Happy New! Sorry I’ve been away.

Why have I been away?  What have I been up to?  Well, I wish I could tell you that I reached all of my weight loss and health goals.  That I was down to 130 lbs., looking GOOD and had run off to New York City to make it as a swimsuit model.  Thongs no less!!!  Alas, this is not the case.  I could be a cottage-cheese ass model if you know of anyone looking for one of those.  I did accomplish some awesome things there for awhile.  I got on my bicycle and rode every single day for 30 days straight!  I rode in my first organized bike ride, 50 miles in The Rip Roarin’ Ride in the Texas Hill Country.  It almost killed me, but I did it!  I did my second and last organized bike ride, 40 miles in The Outlaw Trail 100 in Round Rock, Texas.  That was so much fun.  It was a great day.  I stopped riding after that.

I stopped riding after that, stopped seeing my nutritionist and I started eating absolutely anything and everything that I wanted.  I remembered my talent for being able to unhinge my jaw and swallow unbelievable amounts of food.  I have eaten gallons of peanut butter, drank hundreds of Diet Cokes, eaten pounds and pounds and pounds of chocolates, meats, cheeses, flour tortillas, all kinds of breads with butter and whatever the hell I wanted!  Wow!  What freedom I have had.  Is it great or what?  Not using my little kitchen scale to measure portions.  Not watching how many Diet Cokes I had or how much water I was drinking.  Not counting calories or writing everything down.  Not making sure that I ate a piece of fruit or had a vegetable with every meal.  No siree!  Not me!  I am THE MASTER OF MY DOMAIN!!!!!

Congratulations BIGGIE!  You are THE MASTER OF YOUR DOMAIN and you are the fattest and at the most self-loathing point of your entire adult life.  Congrats!  I am out of breath after I have been bent over for a minute putting on my shoes.  It’s a complicated and excruciating battle to get a freakin’ bra on.  Getting out of my car is tough.  I am 5’6, 46 years old.   I should weigh between 118 and 155 pounds.  I weigh 212 pounds.  I am a minimum of 60 pounds overweight.  Really more like 70 pounds overweight.  My BMI is 34.2.  I am obese.  I’m very close to morbidly obese.  I feel like total shit.  Mentally, physically, every which way you can think of.  I feel like shit.

Do I need a New Year’s Resloution?  Hell yes!  Haven’t you been listening/reading?  I’m fatter than hell.  I am pre-diabetes.  My cholesterol is bad.  The word Levis is imprinted backwards on my gut from where my belly rolls down over the top of my jeans, presses hard against the button and brands me!!!  It’s disgusting!  I am disgusting.  I don’t even hate skinny little bitches anymore.  I just look at them and then hate myself and then eat a bag of Cheetos, a roll of Sweetarts and chase it all down with a sugar-free Red Bull.  I am out of control.  My eating is grotesquely out of control.  When I stand up from this chair that I am sitting in my hips will hurt.  My back will hurt and trying to straighten up will hurt even more.  When I actually start to walk, my kness and feet will hurt.  By the time I make it all the way to the refrigerator to get a Diet Coke or a Red Bull or whatever I reach for to give me some kind of a little boost, I will be out of breath and thinking about a What-A-Burger with cheese and bacon and some hot french fries.  Oooh, and maybe one of those hot, giant cinnamon rolls with the melting sugary stuff on top and rolling down the sides.  I am out-of-control.

So, I don’t really believe in making New Year’s Resolutions.  We make them, we break them, what’s the freakin’ point.  Well the point is, for me anyway, that I need a fresh start.  The start of a brand new year seems like a decent place to start.  Truth be told, anyday can be a brand new start, but I’m making mine Friday, January 1st, 2010.  I am signed up for a bike ride this March.  It’s in nine weeks.  Pedal Thru the Pines is a ride through Bastrop and Buescher State Parks in the eastern part of Central Texas.  I’m planning on doing 50 miles.  It’s supposed to be a pretty challenging ride.  Will I be ready for it?  I hope so.  There’s a lot going against me right now.  My current state, my weight, my motivation…  Wah, wah, wah. I’m being a pouty little (well, okay, not little) baby.  I have such a great life.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I could spend hours journaling, sitting in a therapist’s chair, searching for my inner child..  Reflecting on what exactly went wrong.  Why did I stop working out and start eating really badly again?  You know what?  I don’t think it matters.  Okay, maybe it matters a little, I don’t know.  What I do know is this, I can do something about it.

A good friend of mine has been given a 50% chance that she’ll be alive for another 4 months.  It’s terminal breast cancer.  It’s spread and it’s bad.  All she can do is pray, try to stay positive and see how a new trial goes.  She doesn’t have as many options as I do.  She has a great husband, a wonderful family and a beautiful 5 year-old son.  They don’t have many options either.  For a really fat person, I’m pretty healthy.  I have a lot more choices than my friend Michelle.  I shouldn’t whine.  I’m just fat.  I can, all by myself, do something about that.  She has cancer.  She can’t do too much more about that.  I love her.  She has left an imprint on me and all of the people she has ever touched.  Maybe I should do something incredible while I still can.

So, tomorrow morning I’m getting on my bike.  I probably won’t ride far and I know I won’t ride fast, but I’ll ride.  My goal is to ride for 1 hour.  I’m not going to focus on how far or fast, just ride for 1 hour.  Then I’ll ride again on Saturday and on Sunday.  We’ll see how it goes.  That’s what I’m gonna do.  Oh, and what you should do is this; grab someone you love and hug them.  Hug them til it hurts and kiss them.  Tell them that you love them.  Tell them that you love them a lot and you can’t imagine your life without them.  And then have a great New Year’s Eve.  Be safe.  Have a great New Year’s Day and may you always have peace.